a taste of ‘Rejection Letters’

 

 

I have a devastating hangover, you see, and on these days the answering of submissions to Orbital does tend to be a bit like Russian Roulette where the gun always contains six bullets rather than one. from Dear Ms. Brannigan

We are currently not considering poems composed of more emojis than words, but I do salute your efforts to be edgy and contemporary. from Dear Mr. Lennon

I won’t say anything as trite as I look forward to reading more of your work. from Dear Mr. Higgins

Your submission did not state belonging to at least four different minorities, and so I must turn down these poems. from Dear Mr. Owens

I think it was the state of poetry I wept for when I was reading your efforts. I think it was the loss of my youth to reading such submissions that I wept for. from Dear Ms. Walters

Maybe in the future, poetry will change into something akin to what you do in your writing, but until it does, I’m afraid I’ll not be able to publish these gallant tries. from Dear Ms. Flores

… but if we were ever to publish a poem that was sent in scrawled crudely in pink crayon, it really would need to be something very special indeed. from Dear Ms. Avery

Go have yourself some afternoon tea and leave the poetry to us. from Dear Mr. Hastings

Thank you, of course, for sending your poems to us here at Whittle, but thank you most of all for printing your poems on such an exceptional quality of paper. When I wiped my backside with them it chafed only minimally. from Dear Mr. Hendrick

I’ve managed to knock over a bottle of red wine across your poems, and I just can’t determine if they are any good or not … from Dear Ms. Dylan

Admittedly it is somewhat petty of me, but since you didn’t publish mine, I’ve decided not to publish yours. from Dear Ms. Morrow

I would strongly advise against asking the editors of respected poetry journals you wish to be published in whether they’d like to meet up some time, and to perhaps get a drink or even sushi. from Dear Mr. Dugdale

Sometimes, as an editor of a poetry journal, you just want to be sent work in which the words are all spelled correctly … from Dear Ms. Horgan

Poetry may not be your strong suit, but did you ever consider applying to the C.I.A.? Sometimes you’d hear about them having to torture prisoners for information, and I don’t mind telling you, thirty seconds of listening to these and I’d be ready to talk. from Dear Mr. Watkins

Thank you for the brevity of your poems. It is their best asset. from Dear Ms. Holly

My hair hasn’t cooperated at all this week. It happens sometimes, but when it does, the acceptance rate here at Highway Surf certainly nosedives. from Dear Ms. Quaid

I, sadly, hate them. Even hate seems too small a word here. Despise? Detest? Poetry is just so personal and subjective, isn’t it? I can’t even say what it is I loathe about them. from Dear Mr. Goldman

I enjoyed these poems quite a lot, but it has come to my attention that you once attended a neo-Nazi rally and were recorded reading poetry to the audience and then, later, taking part in the hate-fuelled chants such parties tend to revel in. from Dear Mr. Whitely

We pride ourselves foremost on our exceptional standard of elitism here at Rented Skin. from Dear Mr. Arthurs

At first, I thought this was a poem called ‘Shopping List’. After a while I realised it was your actual shopping list. from Dear Ms. Sheehan

I’m deeply resentful and bitter to have read these poems, and to be left unable now to return to a time in my life and frame of mind when I hadn’t read them, a time when poetry had a future, and a time when I might have stopped by a riverside to watch some ducks, or when I might have picked a flower and offered it to my wife … from Dear Mr. Beresford

Am I Sisyphus now, condemned forever to read these poems as some punishment by the gods? If so, I wish I knew my crime. Or is it you who is Sisyphus, condemned forever to send these submissions and to be told no, no, no and no? from Dear Mr. Lewisham

These poems are about as useful to the world as the audiobook of the Kama Sutra. from Dear Mr. Fortune

We generally don’t ‘break up’ with our would-be contributors, as poetry journals need submissions, but I really do think we need to talk. from Dear Ms. Warner

Perhaps you misjudged the work we do here at Squeeze Magazine, but I wanted to be clear that we judge poem submissions solely on their literary qualities, and no advantage is given to would-be contributors of a seemingly more marketable image. from Dear Ms. Chesterton

I’ll have to assume you possess a penis, and so you’ll just have to send these poems elsewhere. from Dear Mr. Patel

In subject matter, we found them brash and dangerously liberal, particularly in their vision of gender equality, which our conservative journal has steadfastly opposed. from Dear Ms. Ormond

My good mood is entirely shattered now, too, after reading your six pages of misery. I’m about to eat a large bowl of chocolate ice-cream in the hope I can recover it. from Dear Ms. Larmour

I am aware that I once thanked you for sending your poems to us, and that I urged you to send more. It isn’t that I was being insincere then. No, I totally meant it at the time. It’s just that several submissions later, I regret what I said. I want to take it back, if you wouldn’t mind. from Dear Mr. Allenby

It’s quite hilarious how you think that following me on all my social media is going to make me want to publish your poetry at Trident. How original of you! from Dear Ms. Keating

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