a taste of ‘Legs and the Two-Ton Dick’

from the comic mystery-crime novel Legs and the Two-Ton Dick by Melinda Bailey, to be published late June 2018

ISBN (paperback)  978-1-925536-37-9

ISBN (eBook)  978-1-925536-38-6

 

 

 

 

 

 

The phrase one-thousand-pound man seemed to go better with headlines like “Had to be Buried in Shipping Container” or “Found Dead in Pile of Macaroni” than “Loses Eight Hundred Pounds by Sweating to the Oldies.” from Prologue

He’d started to mentally make out his will when he realized that he wasn’t paralyzed by fatness. His leg was just caught in the sheets. from Prologue

The diet barbeque-chicken pizza his housekeeper put in the microwave every morning was ready, which meant he’d been stuck in bed for four hours. from Prologue

At that, Butter laid her chin on the bed and issued forth a noise that was one third yawn, one third whine, and one third bark. “Growlch!” from Prologue

She took out Dicko and typed, “Caught mark on tape offering to have sex with me…and household appliances.” from Chapter 2

…he said that his weight was going to kill him one day, maybe soon, and when that happened, we were to collect his body with that.” He pointed at the forklift. “And put it in this.” He tapped the van with a morbid laugh. from Chapter 13

…when Iggy Pop, or some tosser who looked exactly like Iggy Pop, turns to us and says, ‘I haven’t seen anyone party like that since Ozzy Osbourne in ’79.’ from Chapter 9

I saw the way that bruiser looked at me when we were pretending to be a couple of red-blooded pervs out prowling for trim. from Chapter 14

“I thought you idiots were detectives. What are you doing messing up my crime scene?” “In our defense, mon Capitaine, we’re extremely drunk.” from Chapter 14

Von glanced at the pile behind the car and pointed to a compact package of purple bags attached to his belt. Von was the Batman of dog poop. from Prologue

Porter Nepal, a nine-hundred-pound ball of goo who could barely pick up a slice of diet pizza, would have to pick up an actual girl—a girl with long blonde hair, sea-green eyes and an incongruously tight nun’s costume. from Prologue

Lucy waved her eyeliner at Talia’s reflection in the mirror. “She was a badass.” Talia tucked a few errant blond hairs under the wig and stood up. “Yeah. A dead badass.” from Chapter One

And now, twenty-nine-year-old Talia wrote actress on forms that asked for her occupation, and when people asked, she would say, “I work at the Crime Museum. I do the re-enactments.” from Chapter One

“I know.” He slapped the steering wheel in celebration. “I’m so Bo Duke. Uh oh.” “What?” He pointed at the rearview mirror. “To quote Elton John, the bitch is back.” from Chapter 18

“But we’re all crazy, right? All these moms at school and on the playground tell me I have a potty mouth. So I tell them to fuck themselves. Who fucking cares? My kids don’t. They’re fucking rich.” from Chapter 10

Talia kept her hands on the ten-and-two position of the Saab’s steering wheel as Darla had instructed. “I can’t believe you let me drive.” “Just let me know when you’re going to crash into something, so I can throw my body across my only child,” Darla snapped from the backseat. from Chapter 10

“Erm…I’m torn. I want to think Zone did it because he’s…you know….” “A scuzzbucket?” “Right. But he almost has too much motive… from Chapter 10

“How could I miss a hot blonde on a cherry red Vespa?” “Ahem.” Toby raised his arm above his head and pointed at himself. “Sorry, I meant two hot blondes.” from Chapter 15

“One of these days I’m going to take you on a real date, Sloane Peterson…if that is your real name.” from Chapter 15

As she ran through the alley, she turned and gestured at Ted and Gary to hurry. She wasn’t surprised to be in the lead, but she didn’t want them to die just because they were too drunk to outrun a killer. from Chapter 13

“I’m sure you will find someone else. Maybe even two someone elses.” Rosy looked up at Talia. “Oh, I know we’ll get another boyfriend.” Thorny sniffled. “We have a waiting list.” from Chapter 4

She recognized him immediately, though, as Pirate Mace because of his habit of twirling the ends of his mustache like a cartoon villain, which seemed both an affectation and a parody of an affectation at the same time. from Chapter 4

“My entrance music needs to let everyone—roadies, groupies, entourage, drug dealers, everyone—that a bona fide Rock God has entered their midst. I’m thinking “Children of the Revolution” by T Rex, but I’m not sure. Do you think a deep cut like that would be lost on these bimbos?” from Chapter 16

“Right. I’ll make a deal with you, Porty. You give me all the evidence you’ve been hoarding, and I will give you the unnamed piece of evidence behind curtain number one.” He tapped at a folded paper sticking out of his breast pocket. from Chapter 19

They call themselves the Surf Pinks. You know, kind of like the Pink Ladies, only they rule the beach instead of Rydell High. from Chapter 18

“Marky Mark?! You’re the killer? I’m shocked. And you’re planning to kill me with a bleeding squeegee? I’m insulted.” from Chapter 23

“Miss Green, a man will go dancing for his wife, he will even learn to dance for his wife, but he will never wear sequins for his wife.” from Chapter 3

“Fine. Let’s play devil’s advocate. I say she did it. I say we just watched her do it. Now, let’s play Chutes and Ladders because this case is closed, and we’ve got some time on our hands.” from Chapter 6

There was something about the way he was looking at her that made her wish that they were on a proper date and not waiting for Nigel Zone to emerge from a sex shop. from Chapter 20

The problem was that Ted possessed a font of useful creativity for computer programming, but instead of revolutionizing the product of some local tech company, he’d perfected the art of dipshittery. from Prologue